a smaller life

resolutions, 2010

Well, hello, 2010. A shiny new decade! Time to revise.

 

Resolutions, 2010

1.    Don't die.

2.    Postpone dying.

• Quit smoking again. The answer to stress is not to light a cigarette, damnit, and it will never, EVER be "just this one". This lesson is one I should have learned a long, long time ago. the majority of studies I'm reading show that nicotine + MS = bad mix, so let's get my shit together, here.
• Also: listen to my body, listen to my doctors, stay educated on MS but don't let it become my life. I am my life.
• My body is not my life, but it's definitely my vehicle, so stay on top of things. Regular massage. Yoga. Keep active, eat well, pay attention.
• Read labels.
• Stop buying crap food that has labels.
• RUN MORE: run as much as my body can stand. The better shape I'm in, the harder it will be for this disease to chip away at me.
• Enter more races. I'm competitive by nature, so it keeps me on track. Talk about racing, too, because accountability is good for me.

3.    Consume less.

• Create more. Learn to make even more stuff. BREAK OUT THAT SEWING MACHINE!
• Drive less, bike and walk more.
• Grow and cook our food. Let's make 2010 the year that I finally get rid of that black thumb! I want to grow the kickass- est garden of all gardens ever. Okay, let's just aim for a decent heirloom garden this year. I don't need to win any awards, just successfully grow something other than tomatoes and herbs.
• Simplify, reuse, repurpose. Compost stuff! Recycle everything!

4.     Do better.

• Try harder, remain grateful, keep perspective.
• Be kind.
• Sam Beckett always had it so damned right. "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

5.    Challenge myself.

• Allow myself some vulnerability. Everything is not a Feat Of Strength. Leave the country for the 4th of July this year; I don't need to push through that bullshit. I can just pack a bag and spend a few days in Canada, and that's not weak; that's  smart. Also, probably relaxing as hell and hey, might as well put that passport to work a little, right?
• Be brave. Without being stupid.
• Read things I’m not naturally drawn to, broaden my horizons a little. I’m beginning to feel I’m  too specialized.
• Write more. I’ve been getting lazy. Get back on track and start talking about simplifying and start talking about chronic illness. Less of these brief photo- posts and more substance. Refine what I have to say and really say it.
• Take more photos, too.
• Try new things. Like singing when I feel like singing, for starters. That's a good goal. 11 years and my husband has never heard me do one of the things I used to do best. How dumb is that?

6.     Remember that we only get so many days. Make them count.

 

in which I am a slacker (but a slacker who finishes things!)

   

Sadly, I didn't make it to SAFF, opting instead to spend the week in emergency rooms and doctors' offices. It's no big thing- more medications, more tests, more bother- but I got a fair amount of knitting done, knitting myself a hat, converting new and lapsed knitters in waiting rooms, and finishing woefully neglected old projects.

     

  

This sweater, for example; this is my first attempt at making a sweater up off the cuff, begun about seven years ago. This languished, armless, for at least six years; it's made of Handpaintedyarns.com Handspun Bulky. HPW has gorgeous base yarns in infamously unreliable colorways- things are not always as they appear on the website- which is how I wound up with a pinky- green instead of the blueish purples I'd seen and dreamed of on the website. I needs blocking, and overdyeing (and not in that order!), but at least it has arms and all the ends are woven in.

   

 

  

There's something lovely in finishing old projects- remembering what I'd initially loved about them, what frustrated me, why I deserted them- so rarely the objects' fault, and usually a refresher on important knitting lessons past. For example: if the color of a yarn makes you crazy, overdye it before knitting the sweater, because if you don't, you'll just abandon the thing for AGES. But it's a pleasure to revisit this: I can see how new of a knitter I was in my choices here- I'd have gone about my shaping differently today, and I would have made the bottom bit of ribbing longer, too, and the neckline doesn't lay quite right, but it's mine, the first sweater I ever made up by myself, and there's a real sweetness to that.

Currently on the needles is another sweater, knit in two shades of Thirteen Mile Worsted I got for a song at Spinster Yarns- she's closing the shop, and everything is on sale for 40%- 50% off. Here's hoping it takes me less than five- six years to finish this one, eh?

 

squeeeeeee!

We are here!!!!!!!

in which there is ONE. DAY. LEFT.

In just barely over 24 hours, I will see Sam and Kiddo again.

I can't think of one other thing to say.

in which there are 3 days left

Nearly there, now.

Remarkably, despite having spent the last few days bathing, sleeping, and eating, I appear to be losing weight in Doha. How is that even possible? I'm not running. Hell, I'm hardly walking. Then again, I am eating a lot better- real food, identifiable food, food that looks like what it started out as. Maybe that's the trick of it- food that looks like food, as opposed to food that I'm taking on faith as food.

I'm off to bed, to watch more Bollywood and work on my sock. If I have to be waiting to go home, this is not at all a bad way to do it.

in which there are four days left

Before anyone points it out- why, yes, I AM still wearing the same shirt. Go ahead and judge me. Go on. It's all right. I'll just crawl back into this, where I've spent most of the last few days.

I sort of live in bed right now, with my books and my iPod and the room service menu. It's wonderful. I drag myself out of bed to shower and cruise the internet, then drift back to bed. I have literally left the hotel room only twice- once to ask the front desk for a power adapter for my laptop, the second time to grab coffee. That was before I found the little card in the nightstand that told me coffee could be delivered to my room gratis at any time. Now, there's really no reason to leave at all.

Billy and I will head out into the city tomorrow, I think- assuming either of us can be bothered to drag ourselves out of our rooms, which is a little questionable. I'm headed down to the beach this evening, once it's cooled off, just to be near the water and maybe read. But really, this part of the adventure isn't about adventure; it's about recharging and re- setting, about getting ready for all the work and change I have lying ahead once I return to Maryland. That is another post, though, and not nearly complete yet.

in which there are 5 days left, and today is just lovely

Damn, the internet is fast here. Or, probably more accurately: damn, the internet was slow in Afghanistan.

Back to the countdown. It's a lot more pleasant now.

in which there are 9 days!

Yeah, I think I'm going to stick with the dorky PhotoBooth countdown.

An example of the utterly gratuitous list- making going on out here; it's not even organized, just a loose bunch of things I can't wait to do IN NINE DAYS.

I'm writing better lists, too- tidy, neat plans for addressing change. No pictures for those, though; they're not nearly as fun as this freeform bit of nonsense.

Sam is busy in the house, getting things ready and overall stressing out. I don't think he really believes me when I tell him that I'm just looking forward to being home with him and Kiddo, and our menagerie, and my friends. That said, I can't WAIT to see the house, either. Our bedroom is finished, and he won't send me pictures, but I know there is no more terrible pukey sage green, and the beige carpet is finally gone and replaced with a gorgeous hardwood floor, too. And the wet studio space is finished- I have a dedicated sink and stove for dyeing! Eeeeee. But really, I'd be thrilled even without all of that; I just want to be home again.

(Oh, and a new hallway, and the sitting room is finished, and I get to see Kiddo's Very Very Orange Room in person....)

in which there are still 10 days, and I start letting myself make some serious lists

Every so often a whiff of cigarette smoke will breeze in through my window from the soldiers that live in the huts next door. I am so very glad I quit. How did I live with that stink? Worse- here's an embarrassing thought- how did Sam?

Here's a happier thought: Cthulhu sighting in Afghanistan.

I've begun organizing: poking through folders on my laptop, making detailed lists, ordering everything, clearing out old files. I am edging into Getting Ready For Change mode, and I can feel the difference.

Last night I made tea and scrupulously organized the collection of recipes on my hard drive. Despite my habit of only ever using any recipe as inspiration, they are tidied into polite, easy- to- sort- through folders, because I expect to be cooking very, very soon. I do think I'll need to actually follow the directions to make a galette- oh, SmittenKitchen, you're killing me- but really, only for the pastry bits.

I've started clearing out all my old work files, too, which is both distressing and liberating. My professional habit is to store everything in a rigorously organized file system, so I've a lot to get through, but it's pretty exciting to free up that space and to imagine filling it with something a little more interesting than daily status reports.

I'm also looking at how to re- structure this website- to change things from a semi- daily status shout- out to friends and family while I've been living in a war zone  into a way to document this transition from the corporate world into a smaller, more personal life. That's one hell of a switcheroo, and provides me with long stretches of listmaking and ideacharting, two of my favorite ideas- like daydreaming that I can read later.

Then there are all the impractical lists, the lists of things I want to do and in which order I'll do them, and that's just mindless self- indulgence. Those lists go something like this:

To Do In CT:

See sisters
See Chi
See T
Eat Nardelli's
Take pictures
Eat at Al's Hot Dogs!

Look, there is NO WAY I will forget to do any of those things when I go home. THIS IS JUST GRATUITUOUS LISTMAKING. I don't even care. I'm making lists for list- making sake and it makes me happy.



I've also started taking pictures like this one, because it strikes me as the most fun way to countdown to any thing. Stupid Apple giving Photobooth out to just anyone; free reign to embarrass myself all over the internet. Oh, well. as much as I've wished to be a quieter, more sophisticated girl when it really comes down to it I'm just another goofball. At 32, I doubt that's going to change.

Also, Mates Of State's "Get Better" has got to be my Song Of The Week.

(Sorry for the rambling, rather teal deer entry tonight. I'm all gushy and happy.)

in which there are 12 days and one incredibly lucky t- shirt

Looking over the last few entries, I'm beginning to wonder if I actually am expressing myself through the photos I post. They do seem to reflect my mood on each day. Hm.

Today was far better than it had any real reason to be- one hundred and one times better than I expected. It's still not great out here, but today went a distance to alleviate the foul mood I've been in these last few days. I'm still exhausted, but it's okay. I have new, excellent, comfortable and thoroughly hideous shoes to wear on the trip home (Sam will just hate these, I know it- the only real test for the awesomeness of any pair of shoes). I am rich in Toblerones. Mel's mix and the Dark Was The Night compilation album are on constant rotation and they work wonders.

It could have something to do with my wearing the Luckiest Shirt In The History Of Ever, who knows? (And here's where I post a crap webcam shot that just ruins craftivore's lovely compliment from yesterday. Damnit!)