a smaller life

in which there are apologies and plans

 

 

"Do not hurry, do not rest." -Johann Goethe

I've struggled over how to begin this post for a few days now. Everything sounds too dramatic, too big, too much. I'm tired of too much. I want simple words for simple things.

I've been sick- allergies, steroids, then a MS relapse related to the allergies, rinse and repeat. To be straight about it: January sucked and I'm glad it's over. I spent a lot of the month in bed reading Charlotte Bronte and ordering skirts on Etsy. Okay, the Bronte and skirts bit was all right, but the rest of it was pretty suck.

I'm coming to understand and accept that this Being Sick shtick is going to be a part of my life, and that I need to get okay with it. I'm still working on the acceptance bit- I have a tendency to waste a lot of energy being mad, or rebelling against my traitorous body- but I work at it. I'm learning to spend my energy carefully, as though there were a limited supply, because some days that might be the case. I'm learning to go steady but slow- to listen to Goethe, because heaven knows I'm no good at listening to my body just yet-learning to single- task, to slow down and pay attention. I'm even taking a crack at meditating, but that's another post altogether.

On the other hand- in the Things That Are Good column- I seem to finally have gotten over the dread "Copaxone hump"- I've gotten accustomed to giving myself shots, and it looks like my body has finally gotten used to the drug itself. No more baseball- sized welts, no more itching, no more accidentally wasting a dose by injecting the air. Best of all, no more of that creeping, burning sensation for half and hour afterwards- a sting, some warmth, but it's all so minor now. It got worse before it got better, but I'm glad I stuck with it.

Also a positive: all of those hours laid up left me with time to make lists and plans. I've been thinking out how to re- organize this blog into something more coherent- something I've struggled with since returning from Afghanistan. I didn't get any knitting done, but I've written pages and pages of plans for my life, our house, my body, and this blog. I'm rich in plans, I tell you. Filthy, filthy rich.

I'm also rich in comfort lists: scribbled into my black book are long rambling lists of random things that make me happy. I don't remember writing some of them, but I should dedicate a weekly post to these lists- re-reading them makes me feel warm all over, even without the mega- doses of benadryl, etc. To be honest, there's something about spending a day (or three weeks, whatever) in bed with your paper diary, some good books and lots of pencils, stoned out of your mind on legal, prescribed substances. I mean, I'm not advocating it, necessarily, but I definitely had some sort of quiet creative breakthrough last month, and that's another positive.

My inner critic is beginning to rear her head and snort at so much positive thinking. If I don't leave this soon she'll start muttering about my Pollyanna complex.

The teal deer version: I'm so sorry I let this sit for over a month. I was sick, but I'm feeling better now. I have plans. It's not all bad. More later.

 

details

 

 

resolutions, 2010

Well, hello, 2010. A shiny new decade! Time to revise.

 

Resolutions, 2010

1.    Don't die.

2.    Postpone dying.

• Quit smoking again. The answer to stress is not to light a cigarette, damnit, and it will never, EVER be "just this one". This lesson is one I should have learned a long, long time ago. the majority of studies I'm reading show that nicotine + MS = bad mix, so let's get my shit together, here.
• Also: listen to my body, listen to my doctors, stay educated on MS but don't let it become my life. I am my life.
• My body is not my life, but it's definitely my vehicle, so stay on top of things. Regular massage. Yoga. Keep active, eat well, pay attention.
• Read labels.
• Stop buying crap food that has labels.
• RUN MORE: run as much as my body can stand. The better shape I'm in, the harder it will be for this disease to chip away at me.
• Enter more races. I'm competitive by nature, so it keeps me on track. Talk about racing, too, because accountability is good for me.

3.    Consume less.

• Create more. Learn to make even more stuff. BREAK OUT THAT SEWING MACHINE!
• Drive less, bike and walk more.
• Grow and cook our food. Let's make 2010 the year that I finally get rid of that black thumb! I want to grow the kickass- est garden of all gardens ever. Okay, let's just aim for a decent heirloom garden this year. I don't need to win any awards, just successfully grow something other than tomatoes and herbs.
• Simplify, reuse, repurpose. Compost stuff! Recycle everything!

4.     Do better.

• Try harder, remain grateful, keep perspective.
• Be kind.
• Sam Beckett always had it so damned right. "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

5.    Challenge myself.

• Allow myself some vulnerability. Everything is not a Feat Of Strength. Leave the country for the 4th of July this year; I don't need to push through that bullshit. I can just pack a bag and spend a few days in Canada, and that's not weak; that's  smart. Also, probably relaxing as hell and hey, might as well put that passport to work a little, right?
• Be brave. Without being stupid.
• Read things I’m not naturally drawn to, broaden my horizons a little. I’m beginning to feel I’m  too specialized.
• Write more. I’ve been getting lazy. Get back on track and start talking about simplifying and start talking about chronic illness. Less of these brief photo- posts and more substance. Refine what I have to say and really say it.
• Take more photos, too.
• Try new things. Like singing when I feel like singing, for starters. That's a good goal. 11 years and my husband has never heard me do one of the things I used to do best. How dumb is that?

6.     Remember that we only get so many days. Make them count.

 

tree swings

Waiting for pots to boil at the Baltimore studio. Snow + tree swings = instant fun.

 

 

details

 

In the rinse bins.

 

points of light

 

 

"The continuous narrative of existence is a lie. There is no continuous narrative, there are lit-up moments, and the rest is dark." -Jeanette Winterson

(Thanks, T.)

oh my coldness

It is freezing out here. Literally. FREEZING. This was our rinse water at the Baltimore studio today.

 

 

Cacie and I went out to the barn this morning to fetch tools; we just stood there, staring at our frozen bins of water, rather in shock. This isn't even the worst month of winter- we still have January and February to look forward to! That measuring cup has hot water in it, to help us unfreeze some skeins that needed repair- didn't make a dent in that frozen water. Luckily, we're doing repairs (indoors!) and twisting/ tagging today.

 

 

 

Even with the weather, though, I'm happy. The overall vibe at the studio (and oh, how I hate to use the word "vibe") is one of cheerful industry. This is so different from so much of my previous work; even when the weather is miserable, when we're outside working with cold water and wet fiber, I'm 329472390358 times happier than I ever was in a warm cubicle. That seems to me the biggest indicator possible that I'm exactly where I need to be right now; working in the winter wind, huddled over a stove, making colors. It's definitely not everyone's idea of a dream job, but oh, it's nice to be happy. I think about where I was at this time last year, and it all seems like another life.

 

 

 

sometimes other people say it better

"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you."

— Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

catching up

 

I know, I know. I don't write, I don't call. The truth is, I've been so absolutely wiped out lately- there is so much going on (so much to write about!) and I've been struggling with my health- a bad mix if there ever was one. I take my pills and my shots like a good girl, but only recently have I begun to feel what seems like the beginnings of improvement- and I say that with great reservations, as it's only the last two days or so that really seemed better.

We opened the new studio, Sam and I are playing with the idea of (finally!) demolishing the kitchen, dyeing has stepped up at least two- fold (if not three- fold), my daughter is a full- blown teenager with a boyfriend, I'm still not driving which leaves me feeling a little claustrophobic, and I'm suddenly feeling just how responsible Gryphon and I are to at least nine other people, not to mention our customers and oh, yes, of course- our own families. There doesn't seem like there is too much room in there for me to be sick, which is the way I traditionally approach any sort of physical infirmity- placing it firmly on the back burner with a stern I'm sorry, I just don't have time for this right now.

It turns out, I don't get that option. MS turns out to be a prima donna of sicknesses; if I'm not paying attention to my body's cues, she'll step right up center stage and remind me exactly who is in charge here. We're learning how to live together, and I'm quietly plotting my revenge with my nightly shots and what seems like fistfulls of pills, because no matter what this disease thinks, damnit, I'm the one in charge here. I'm determined to subjugate this in some way, to regain control over my body and my time.

Learning to take a proactive stance on my health- on realigning how I live, focusing on the right fuel and rest and exercise and staying informed and not just blowing this whole thing off as another thing that will go away- that's new, and it eats up more of my resources, too, but I'm learning, and trying. 

In the meantime, I knit- nothing that I can show, all holiday knitting, but it's happening- mittens and shawls and socks, as well as the world's most boring project of all time- a six- foot tube scarf in stockinette for Kiddo with her own handdyed yarn. It's a labor of love, to be sure; God knows I'm not knitting this because it is interesting in any way- but I know she'll adore it. 

So I'm here, intact, although some days it really does feel like "intact" is all I can manage. I have some designs cooking in all that holiday knitting, including a lovely pair of colorwork mittens in both Skinny Bugga and Djinni Sock as part of a collaboration with the ever- lovely Kate of Dragonfly Fibers. I'm focusing on getting well, and working hard, and all the sweet bits in the details of life, the stuff that really matters- the kindnesses of friends, my daughter's smile, my husband's hands, good food, crisp mornings, flannel sheets, cats, reading Sherlock Holmes stories in bed, strong morning runs, apple cider and milkmen and hot coffee.

In the end, that's all that really counts, right? The small moments, they're all we have.

morning light